


I Won't Say I'm In Love

by orphan_account



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (starts vaguely climon but you know the deal), M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-31 10:09:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6466198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Simon is not having a gay love affair with Raphael. Until he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Simon is in love with Clary

Simon is in love with Clary.

This was a fact that Simon Lewis had been aware of for years now. It was also a fact he thought Clary should have been aware of for years now. But whatever, he'd made that mistake with Maureen, so maybe it was a part of human nature to ignore those kind of signals for fear of rejection, or of coming across big-headed (though he was sure _Jace_ didn't have that problem). So even though Clary was painfully blind to Simon's feelings for her, he'd forgive her. Because he loved her. He loved the way Clary smiled and hummed to herself when she was drawing and didn't know she was being watched, and he loved the knowing smirk she reserved for when she (usually wrongly) decided Simon had a crush on somebody, and wanted to tease him. A year ago, he'd have said he loved how passionate she was, but given their current situation, he could probably (un-)live without that. There were some other things he could (not-)live without, like her new-found love for all things Jace Wayland, and the constant danger she seemed to be in, but he was willing to let that go. Because he really, _really_ loved Clary. At this point in time, it wasn't even something he questioned.

In fact, Simon loved Clary so much, that when he found himself practically caged up in Hotel DuMont, he forgave her. After all, he had decided that shouldn’t really blame Clary. Not when all of this was so clearly Raphael’s fault. He didn’t have time to list the reasons it was Raphael’s fault when he was so focused on keeping space between himself and the Love of His Life, and on not piercing her neck like a juice box. If he did, he imagined the list would look something like this:

  1. Raphael assisted in the kidnap that led to Simon becoming a Vampire.  
  

  2. Raphael had held him hostage during said kidnapping.  
  

  3. Raphael took Simon to Clary and (probably) talked her into burying Simon to bring him back. Vampires can always manipulate humans in Simon's comic books, so while he's a little mad at Clary for not realizing this, he'd let it slide. Eventually.  
  

  4. Raphael had put Simon and Clary into the surprisingly fancy cage, making it definitely his fault.



But Simon didn’t have time to consider those things, and it wasn’t long until he was calling for Raphael. He hated to sound so desperate, especially for somebody he hated as much as the older Vampire, but he didn’t really have an option if he wanted to keep thinking about how much he loved Clary, and not about how he could make her death look like a tragic accident. The hunger he’d been feeling had grown much stronger since he’d been trapped in such close proximity to her, able to hear her heartbeat and with the memory of Maureen's blood and how much he'd wanted _that_. If he wanted Clary's blood this much without her being wounded, it was probably for the best that he kept some space between them for a while. Because he didn’t exactly want to run the risk of accidentally chowing down on his long-term crush, did he?

When Raphael finally appeared, looking smug as ever and with somebody to provide a pitcher of blood, he wanted to kiss the man. Which was maybe definitely exaggerating, but he was grateful. As much as the idea of drinking human blood still made him feel ill, something inside of him wouldn’t let Simon turn it down. He wasn’t listening to the words that Raphael was saying, all of his senses completely homed in on the disgusting red liquid and getting his hands on it. _'Presentation and quality produce'_. Right. Simon wouldn’t have cared how Raphael had given him the blood, as long as it subdued this need he wasn't sure he'd ever be used to. He knew Clary must have been uncomfortable watching him, because Simon was uncomfortable with Clary watching him. And Raphael talking about Vampires looking out for each other made him hate the situation even worse. Maybe he was new to this, and there was a lot that he didn't know, but he did know that he didn’t want to be dependent on somebody else for his sanity, and he _certainly_ didn’t want that person to be Raphael.

But as long as there was a chance Simon would hurt somebody; his mother, Clary, even one of Clary’s new Shadowhunter pals, he had to deal with being dependent. The pleasure he assumed Raphael was taking from all of this would be nothing in comparison to the complete and utter anguish he’d feel knowing that he’d hurt somebody he cared about. Hurt Clary. As terrible the prospect of cozying up to Raphael was, he knew that it’d be worth it to keep her (and everybody else) safe.

Because yeah, Simon is in love with Clary.


	2. Simon is not in love with Clary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Simon is not having a gay love affair with Raphael. Until he is.

Simon is in not love with Clary.

The realization comes down on him like a ton of bricks when Clary compliments him at the wedding and he doesn’t get the same wave of emotion as he’d grown accustomed to when Clary complimented him, and especially when it was directed at his appearance. But his first thought wasn’t about how awesome it was that Clary thought he looked quote: incredible, or about Clary at all. Simon’s first thought was a mental reminder to himself that he’d have to slip Raphael’s suit back into his extensive closet before he even noticed it was gone, or Simon was done for. Okay, so telling his best friend that he was ‘borrowing’ one of Raphael’s suits may have been stretching the truth a little but since Simon was regularly drinking blood now, he figured lying about a suit would hardly be what damned him.

Of course, Simon still asked about Clary’s mom and how things are going at the Institute. Because even though the revelation that he was no longer in love with Clary Fray came only moments before, Clary was still his best friend and he did love her. Even if saying that he only loved her platonically still sounded like a lie inside his own head. But nevertheless, he cared about her and what was going on in her life. Simon did his best not to think about his feelings or lack thereof for the remainder of the evening. He loved weddings, and overthinking his own personal life was not the reason he’d agreed to come. He’d think about that later.

* * *

And he did think about it later. Of course, not before sneaking across the hotel to return Raphael’s suit and telling anybody who’d listen about the wedding of the century. Simon was about halfway through the story of Alec’s supposed wedding for what must have been at least the third time when Raphael walked into the room. Simon noticed him, but didn’t pay the older Vampire any attention. For the first time since he’d started hanging out at the hotel regularly, he was actually engaged in a conversation with somebody other than Raphael, and even if they were just feigning interest, the other Vampires appeared to be listening to him. Which was more than could usually be said for Raphael.

“...And then he strode down the aisle, and I didn’t know if he was going to punch Magnus or kiss him!” Simon threw his arm out for emphasis on the word ‘strode’, the story getting more and more dramatic each time he told it. But at this, Raphael looked up from where he was sitting, and Simon half expected him to tell him to quiet down, or to shut up altogether. But he didn’t. Instead, he just looked at Simon expectantly, waiting to hear the end of the story.

After a while, the other Vampires filtered out of the room leaving Raphael and Simon alone in a silence that Simon wouldn’t exactly describe as comfortable, but which he also wasn’t desperate to interrupt. Raphael was flicking carelessly through a book Simon would’ve guessed was as old as Magnus, and probably called for much greater care than Raphael was giving.

Simon, on the other hand, had been thinking about Clary a lot since he’d gotten back from the Institute. And the grand romantic gesture at the wedding had not helped to settle his mind. Surely, it was not normal for somebody to be so hopelessly in love with their best friend one minute, and then feel nothing beyond friendship for them the next. It also didn’t help his overactive mind that Simon had a theory lurking at the back of his mind as to why this could be. Which brought him to interrupting Raphael’s book. “Can Vampires be in love?”

Raphael hadn’t been paying attention to Simon up until he spoke, but when he did look up, it was with a strange curiosity that Simon didn’t recognize. He just stared back at him for a long time, and Simon was sure it was for the sole purpose of embarrassing him, because he sounded confident in his answer when he spoke, not as though he’d been considering his answer for that whole time. “Yes.” With that, Raphael was ignoring him again, and Simon was completely fine with that. He was relieved to know that his sudden lack of Clary-related-feelings weren’t because he was turning into a cold, unfeeling vampire like Raphael, but because of something else. It didn’t really matter to him what that something else was, because Clary wasn’t in love with Simon, and now Simon wasn’t in love with Clary, so his whole world was suddenly a lot less complicated. He had no unrequited feelings for his best friend, and Raphael was ignoring him again. Order restored. At least, he’d been under the impression that Raphael was ignoring him until he spoke again, this time without looking up from his book. “You should stay at the Hotel more, Fledgling. This is your home now. Just because you’re in love with that red-headed, mutt-loving-”

“I’m not in love with Clary anymore.” Simon hadn’t been aware of himself cutting Raphael off until he’d finished speaking, and Raphael was looking at him in the same way he had when Simon had asked him about love. It was unreadable, which made it intimidating, and Simon didn’t like feeling like he was under Raphael’s inspection.

“Good,” was the response that came after a short wait. Good? He knew that Raphael disliked the shadowhunters, but if he thought he was going to start dictating Simon’s personal life now, then he had another thing coming. Simon was about to tell Raphael this, but stopped himself when Raphael turned his attention back to his book. Simon wasn’t out to start a fight.

After all, he wasn’t in love with Clary anymore.


	3. Simon is not in love with Raphael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Simon is not having a gay love affair with Raphael. Until he is.
> 
> //Okay, so here's where things start to deviate from canon more but I hope you guys still like it.

Simon was not in love with Raphael.

Which he would’ve assumed was common knowledge. But apparently not. See, Clary Fray had always had a way of misinterpreting Simon’s relationships with just about everybody, herself included. When Simon actually had a crush (on her), she completely missed it. But whenever Simon was genuinely just friends with somebody, she convinced herself that he had a crush. As was the case with Raphael. Whenever he called Raphael around her, she’d get this smug look on her face, as though she were aware of something on another level and Simon were simply unwilling to admit his true feelings. That’s how he knew Clary was still Clary after all that had happened: she was still totally crazy.

Still, the fact that he and Raphael were close enough for her to make this assumption could only be a good thing. On a good day, Raphael would even go as far as to call them friends. On a bad day, he’d call them associates, and avoid Raphael like the plague (not that vampires needed to avoid the plague, since they’re already dead, which he’d pointed out twice already). But Simon and Raphael being kind-of-friends definitely made business with the Clave a lot easier. Whenever Clary (and by extension, Jace and Alec, but Simon wasn’t doing those guys any favors) needed to call a meeting, she didn’t have to worry about whether the vampires would show, because Raphael rarely said no to Simon.

In this particular instance, Raphael had taken a little convincing. Because hey, even if he and Simon were closer than Raphael and the shadowhunters, he still didn’t want to spend all of his time at the Institute just to please the younger vampire. And Simon understood that, knowing that he’d need to inflate Raphael’s importance in the discussions they’d be having in order to get him to agree. Which wasn’t exactly lying, he didn’t think. It was more boosting a friend’s confidence for a common gain.

It was early evening, and while Simon had all of the energy in the world, the same couldn’t be said for Clary and the others. The group were gathered, waiting for Alec to return so that they could get to the important discussions. In the meantime, Clary was teasing Simon about his latest fictional crush and Raphael was sitting on the opposite side of the room, reading some book which Simon had flicked through earlier in the day, and had no pictures. Nor did it have reviews on the cover, or any indication that it was written in the past hundred or so years.

“See, it’s a very important position.” Simon was in the middle of explaining exactly what his position in the clan entailed. “I have to organize stuff, and make sure nothing interrupts the flow of things.”

Alec rounded the corner then, which would usually as good as silence Simon, given his usual reaction to Simon speaking. But hanging out with Raphael and the other vampires at Hotel DuMort more often had boosted his confidence, and so he carried on his rambling until Alec raised an eyebrow at him, at which point he did take the signal. “What’re we talking about?” The shadowhunter asked, though he seemed to be directing the question towards Jace and Clary more than he was Simon.

“Simon’s gay love affair with Raphael.” Jace answered before Simon got the chance to, and at this Alec just pulled a face equivalent to a shrug, looking over in the older vampire’s direction.

“I am _not_ having a gay love affair with Raphael!” Simon hissed, reaching across to hit Jace’s arm, which earned him a look from Clary that put any form of argument or defence to a stop. “And would you quit it, he probably heard that.”

“I heard that, too.” The voice came from the other side of the room, and Raphael looked amused more than anything. Closing his book and tossing it onto the table in front of him, the older vampire slowly rose and made his way over to the group. “Now, are we going to get to business, or can I get back to more pressing issues at the Hotel?”

After that, Clary was talking a lot, and Raphael gave input on behalf of the clan, but Simon wasn’t listening to any of it. He was too busy thinking about his impending death by embarrassment. It was bad enough Clary teasing him about his non-crush on Raphael when they were alone, but he definitely didn’t need the subject to be brought to Raphael’s attention. Not that he seemed to care. Simon was watching him for the majority of the meeting, and he barely even looked his way. Not that Simon cared, of course. He was just glad that he couldn’t imagine Raphael bringing the comment up in a later conversation at the Hotel. Raphael rarely cared about things shadowhunters said, so Jace’s totally un-hilarious jokes about Simon were hopefully the bottom of Raphael’s ‘interesting conversations to initiate with Simon and the other vamps back at Hotel DuMort’ list.

Not that Simon would have any reason to avoid the conversation coming up again. Because he was totally, 100% not in love with Raphael. Especially not when the older vampire gave him tips on how to perfect his vampire aesthetic or when he was (occasionally) in a spectacularly good mood and laughed at one of Simon’s jokes. Nope. Simon Lewis was not in love with Raphael.


	4. Raphael is not in love with Simon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Simon is not having a gay love affair with Raphael. Until he is.

Raphael is not in love with Simon.

He’s not in love with Simon for a lot of reasons, but one of the reasons that would immediately come to mind if he were to have that exact conversation was that Simon was clearly still pining for the red-headed shadowhunter. Of course, Simon had told Raphael that he wasn’t in love with her anymore, but the older vampire wasn’t buying that. When Clary said jump, Simon asked how high. It was utterly ridiculous, in Raphael’s opinion. He was getting nowhere with her, and at the end of the day she was mortal. There were lots of people far better suited to Simon, not that Raphael was overly invested in the fledgling’s love life.

Another thing Raphael disliked about the girl was her constant need to _do_ things. Before she’d appeared, Raphael was free to go about his business relatively separate from the shadowhunters. He wasn’t the leader of the clan back then, but he also wasn’t trailing to and from the Institute several times a month to appease the girl.

When Simon told him that they needed to “discuss” things there again, he almost said no. Raphael agreed to an alliance with the shadowhunters, and so far the alliance seemed a little too one-sided for Raphael’s liking, though he expected no different from them. But Simon was insistent that it was of some importance, and in the end, he frankly just wanted to hear the end of it. But that didn’t mean that he had to act friendly with her or the others, and so when he and Simon arrived at the Institute he proceeded to ignore them, instead feigning interest in a book he’d brought for that very purpose.

“See, it’s a very important position.” He heard the fledgling telling his little friends. “I have to organize stuff, and make sure nothing interrupts the flow of things.” Untrue. Raphael had appointed Simon to that “position” simply to keep him at the Hotel. After all, if he was going to fit in with the clan, Simon would have to make an effort to get to know the other vampires. And to do _that_ , he had to be nearby. It was as simple as that.

Before Simon could make anything else up about the clan, Alec entered. Raphael marked his place in the book, ready to join the conversation as soon as he heard the footsteps. Which was much sooner than any of the others reacted, and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at how Simon was ignoring his improved senses. “What’re we talking about?” The boy asked, and Raphael questioned Magnus’ tastes for what was not the first time since Simon had arrived back at the hotel, gushing about the non-wedding.

“Simon’s gay love affair with Raphael.” Raphael wasn’t exactly listening in to the conversation, but he wasn’t about to intentionally block it out, either. He raised an eyebrow at this, but didn’t comment. Simon getting worked up about it would be far more amusing anyway.

“I am not having a gay love affair with Raphael!” The younger vampire’s voice was hushed, and Raphael almost rolled his eyes, given his next comment. “And would you quit it, he probably heard that.”

“I heard that, too.” Raphael spoke, setting down his book. Letting them tease Simon might have been amusing, but their clan looked after their own. Which meant he should probably change the subject before Simon dug himself any deeper. Standing up, he made his way over to the group. Slowly. He didn’t want to come across too eager to speak to them, after all. “Now, are we going to get to business, or can I get back to more pressing issues at the Hotel?”

The red-head spoke to him directly for the majority of their encounter. The boys, as usual, gave the occasional useless suggestion, and Simon didn’t even appear to be listening. Each time Raphael glanced in his direction, he appeared to have no idea what they were talking about. Although Raphael reasoned that at least he wasn’t staring mindlessly at the girl as he’d expected Simon would during their visit to the Institute.

When they returned to the Institute, Raphael thought about the earlier comments. Not that he’d be discussing that with the fledgling. They were joking. But there was no smoke without fire, and Raphael wondered briefly if that was how people outside the clan perceived his and Simon’s relationship. Even within the clan, certain members had questioned how quickly Simon had been accepted and held at such a high status on Raphael’s orders. But he didn’t answer to speculation, and even if he was interested in _that_ (which he wasn’t), it was nobody else’s business. Still, he didn’t exactly need Alexander Lightwood spreading gossip to his immortal boyfriend who would no doubt revel in the opportunity to piss him off.

But none of that matters to Raphael at that moment in time, because Raphael is not in love with Simon.


End file.
